Scumbob Interviews
by PompusRompus
Summary: Welcome to the scumbob interviews where you can ask the characters questions and then get responses based on these now scumbag characters. Poll up for other scumbag sessions you can choose from.
1. Chapter 1

Sup everybody. I've already done this for The Walking Dead Video Game and I've decided to do one for Spongebob. Ask anything you like and these assholes will respond. Without further ado, here is some.

 ** _How does it feel not to have your license?_**

When the sponge opened his mouth to respond, Patrick let out a loud, obnoxious laugh. "You still haven't gotten your license? Hahaha! What a loser!"

"And you still haven't lost any weight! Hahaha, that, Wideload!" retorted Spongebob feeling bitter as he remembered how Patrick got his license before him. "To answer your question, I still have confidence I'll get it someday."

"And Squidward's nose will shrink," said Patrick.

"Leave my nose outta this!" said Squidward.

"It **_is_** pretty big, Mr. Squidward," pointed out Mr. Krabs.

"Just like your fat behind!" He paused for a second. "Ignore that."

 ** _Sandy: How many times a year do you visit your hometown?_**

Sandy: About a weekend a month. On certain holidays a week or 2.

 ** _Pat and SB: How often does Junior visit?_**

Spongebob tapped his chin. "Hm...actually I can't remember the last time I saw him. I doubt he'd see Patrick if he did come around the neighborhood because he's a lazy sack of crap!"

"I've taken care of him **plenty** of times!" said Patrick crossing his arms.

"How many?" He asked.

"Once! HA!"

Spongebob face palmed.

 ** _Squidward: Do you think Krabs has ever you know?_**

Squidward snorted. "Yeah once and clearly he was too cheap to buy condoms."

"Thats not true and even if it was, that's more than you!" smirked Mr. Krabs.

"Oooooooooooh!" yelled Patrick.


	2. Chapter 2

**Misty) This is awesome! I just woke up and already I'm laughing! Keep it up!**

 _ **Thanks.**_ :D

 **Patrick) Why the fuck did you chase Gary down with a flamethrower, you bastard?**

"To dry him off, duh!" said Patrick as if it was obvious. Spongebob stared at him in disbelief.

"You did what?!" he screeched.

"I dried him off with a flamethrower. Weren't you listening?"

Spongebob stared at the starfish for a few minutes before opening his mouth. "If I ever _**EVER**_ ask you to babysit my Gary again, hit me as hard as you can!"

"Heck, I'll do it myself!" said Squidward.

 **Mr Krabs) I hate you. I fucking hate you with everything I've got.**

 **Mr. Krabs: Well then, why don't you tell me why?**

 **Guest: Well, for starters, you're excessively petty, you go insane if you can't even got a penny, you sold SpongeBob's soul for 62 cents, you abused Gary by making him steal other people's money, oh, and you tried to drive Plankton, a petty thief and YOUR former best friend to suicide. The list doesn't stop there. Do you want me to continue?**

"I don't remember doin' any of that!" said Mr. Krabs laughed nervously. Everyone gave Krabs a hateful look. "What?"

"You really are a piece of shit," said Squidward.

 **Misty) Did you always plan on having the word 'ScumBob' in the title?**

 _ **I stated to name it Spongebob Jerkoffpants Interviews, but that implied too much.** _ XD

 **Squidward) Here, read Insanely In Love.**  
 ***ONE VIEWING SESSION LATER***  
 **(Squidward's eyes are raised. He's horrified by what he's just read.)**  
 **Squidward: Um... I think I need to shower.**

"What?" Spongebob asked trying to look over his shoulder at what he was reading but Squidward closed the laptop he was reading it on. "Lemme see, Squidward!"

"N-no!" exclaimed Squidward. Though it wasn't often when he was nice to the sponge, this time he felt the need to keep him from reading it out whatever kindness he had left.

 **SpongeBob) How do you feel about being paired with Squidward?**

"I don't mind. As long as Squidward is happy, I..." began Spongebob.

"Ha! GAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!" exclaimed Patrick and Krabs.

 **Squidward) Before, and even after, Little Yellow Book, you're my favorite character. I just thought that you were funny in the early seasons, and I hate seeing you consistently tortured.**

"Someone understand what I got through! Thank you!" grinned Squidward but then frowned when Patrick invaded his private space. "What?"

"You know, you sound emo sometimes," admitted Patrick.

"Excuse me?" he said putting his hands on his hips. "How the hell do I sound emo?"

"First off you talk about your pain," began Patrick.

"A lot!" said just about everyone in the room.

"And maybe you jack asses shouldn't put me through bullshit!"

"I seem to remember you being in the stocks were your own fault," said Patrick. This earned Patrick a choking from the octopus.

 **My favorite episode is Band Geeks (no surprise). What's everyone else's? SpongeBob, Misty?**

 _ **I liked it.**_

"I enjoyed it when I saw the look on that jerk's face," Squidward smirked.

 **To the whole gang) Do any of you have some form of social media?**

"Facebook," said majority of the cast.

"Oooh! You have a facebook!" said Spongebob excitedly. "What's your..."

"NO," Squidward would rather eat a sea urchin than give Spongebob his user name on any kind of social media.

"Pleeeeeeeaaaaaaaase?" begged Spongebob.

"NO," He repeated himself.

"Just tell the boy," said Mr. Krabs. "Pretty sure you only have 2 friends anyways: your mom and grandma."

"I'll have you know that I have **hundreds** of friends!" Just because the idiots that surrounded him didn't respect him or share the same interests, that didn't mean anything since other people were eager to be his friends.

"And hundreds of fake accounts," Krabs whispered in his ear.

"And hundreds of fa-GET OUT OF MY EAR!" yelled Squidward.

"Don't worry dear," said Squidward's grandmother putting a comforting arm around him. "He won't tell me either."

 _ **That's because his user name is "SexyHotEdwardianPrince."**_

Mr. Krabs and Squilliam snickered while Squidward looked embarrassed. "T-that's not true!"

 ** _Oh so this isn't you? *shows picture of a cocky looking Squidward with a muscular upper body, one he clearly doesn't have*_**

"That could be anybody!"

"That's clearly you, Mr. Prince," laughed Squilliam along with Krabs.

"That's some good photoshop," complimented Larry. Squidward didn't even bother responding.

 **SpongeBob and Patrick) I think I know what happened to Junior. Anyone remember the time that SpongeBob fell in love with an inanimate sandwich? Well, when he was on a date with it, some clams came by and started to eat the sandwich. Then SpongeBob proceeded to decapitate them all, with his bare hands, mind you! So, I think that SpongeBob killed Junior.**

Spongebob covered up his mouth as he looked horrified. "I-I...I think I need to throw up!"

 ***1 HOUR LATER***

"SPONGEBOB DID WHAT?!" shouted Patrick. "I'll...! Oh a shiny penny! What was I saying?"

"You really are dumb," said Sandy.

 **SpongeBob) What is your favorite game about you?**

"Hm, they're all so good!" Spongebob tapped his chin. "Is all of them a good answer? Do I really have to pick?"


	3. Chapter 3

**SpongeBob) What word did you and Patrick say in Sailor Mouth?**

"It was the 'f' word," said Spongebob.

 **Mr. Krabs) What are Krabby Patties made out of?**

"Let's see it's...wait a minute!" exclaimed Mr. Krabs. "I'm not saying jack! It's a secret and it's going to stay that way."

 **Spongebob: have you ever had sex? If so when was the last time? Details ;)**

"I dunno. You tell me," He said wiggling his eyebrows. "I'm joking. No."

"Hahaha! Virgin!" laughed Patrick.

" _ **You** _ haven't had sex either," retorted Spongebob.

"Actually I have," smirked the sea star.

"Get outta here!" said Squidward in disbelief. There was no way Patrick of all people had ever gotten laid."

"Oh it's true," said Patrick in a cocky voice. "Guess who I did."

"Sandy for one," he smirked.

"I was drunk!" shouted the squirrel looking embarrassed.

" _ **You** _ hit that? I've been trying to hit that for months!" said Plankton.

"Excuse me?!" raged Karen.

"You're a computer. Use you have a sexy robot body, what the hell am I supposed to do?"

"I should strangle you!"

 **Squidward) We need to get a beer sometime.**

"I only drink wine, thanks," said Squidward.

"We both know you can't afford a drop of wine," said Krabs.

"I wonder whose fault that is!"

Who does everyone want to kill out of all of the people in the room?

"Sometimes Spongebob," confessed Squidward.

"Oh Squidy, you're so funny!" laughed Spongebob.

"Don't touch me."

"That bastard Krabs!" said Plankton.

 **Mr. Krabs) I know a way you can get more people to come to the Krusty Krab!**  
 **Krabs: Really? Tell me!**  
 ***Guest whispers in his ear.***  
 **Krabs: You want Patrick to do what on the sign?**  
 ***Guest whispers again.***  
 **Krabs: Very well. Patrick, go out on a blonde wig, some pink lipstick, and get a sign that says 'wanna fuck for a patty' on it, and then, go out onto the tallest sign in Bikini Bottom, twerk on it, and hold the sign next to you.**

"Only if I get free Krabby patties," said Patrick.

"Only the ones out of the trash," said Krabs.

"Deal!"

"Please no," winced Spongebob. "And you do that anyways, Patrick."

"Yeah, but this time I won't chase him away."

 **Krabs and Patrick) You two aren't ones to talk! Keep in mind that Krabs had a crush on you, Patrick!**

"Oh I remember that!" said Patrick. "Ah those were the good times. I got free food and everything."

"I questioned my sexuality for weeks after that," Mr. Krabs wincing.

 **Sandy) Have you ever harbors any feelings for Squidward?**

"Nope," she said.

 **Wait a fuckin minute. Squidward's a squid! Well, I think.**

 _ **Actually it's confirmed he's an octopus despite his name. He doesn't have 8 because it makes him easier to animate kind of like Ursula has fewer because it cost too much to animate all of her 8 legs.**_

 **SpongeBob) Have you ever seen Mr. Enter's reviews on your show? There's a lot of them, and... well... let's just say that there aren't many good reviews of your show from him. Though, to be fair, his last review of your show was a few months ago, and the one before that was over a year before.**

Spongebob: Who?

 **Who's cuter? Clementine or SpongeBob. My money's on Season One Clementine. At least she stayed innocent (for the most part).**

 ** _Season 1 Clem for sure_**

 **Krab: Are you a chomo**

Krabs: Heck no!

There's a Bikini Bottom Black Market?! What's on it?

"There's organs, cheap meat, tvs...er I mean that's what I assume's there," He laughed nervously.

"Did you just say cheap meat and organs in the same sentence?" Sandy looked sick.

"Next question!"

"Don't ignore me!"

 **Who here has been to a strip club?**

"Me!" said Patrick. "I saw Mr. Krabs there once too. He was letting the cashier at Bargain Mart suck his toes!"

"Lies!" shouted Mr. Krabs.

"And _you_ call _me_ a strange case," Squidward said rolling his eyes.

"You let people suck your toes?" Spongebob asked.

 **Krabs) Tell us a story of your time in the army! What was it like on the S.S. Diarrhea? Did you get any pussy? If so, how much? Were you drowning in pussy?**

"Ah the S.S. Diarrhea...it was a shitty time and a good time at the same time," He said chuckling at his own crappy joke. Now _I'm_ doing it! "I remember it was like yesterday."

"What happen?" asked Spongebob.

"I uh forget," If this were anime everyone would have fallen over. "But I do remember drowning in pussy though. Women love a man in uniform."

 **Mrs. Puff) WHY THE FUCK DID YOU TRY AND MURDER SPONGEBOB IN 'DEMOLITION DOOFUS'? I KNOW THE LITTLE BASTARD HAS BRAIN DAMAGE AND THAT HE CRIPPLED YOU AND INSULTED YOU, BUT THAT GIVES YOU NO FUCKING RIGHT TO TRY AND MURDER SOMEONE!**

"You pretty much have just said it all!" said . "Not to mention that he's gotten me in multiple wrecks, gotten me locked up more than I can count, and he could have killed me in those car wrecks! I have plenty of reasons to want him dead!"

"You say something Mrs. Puff?" asked Spongebob, oblivious as usual.

 **Who here has seen 'Mr. Krabs Unquenchable Bloodlust'?**

"Haven't heard of it," said Patrick and nobody else had either.

 **Here. Watch 'Mr. Krabs Unquenchable Bloodlust'.**  
 ***Puts in film. After it's over, everyone is shocked.***  
 **Squidward: WHAT. THE FUCK. WAS THAT?**  
 **Luke: SWEEEEEEEEEET GOAT HUKIE!**  
 **Patrick: LUKE! GET YOUR DUMB ASS BACK IN YOUR OWN FUCKING STORY OR DO YOU WANT THE BAT AGAIN?!**  
 **Luke: No, master!**  
 **Patrick: Then get out before I whip you! And stop crying like a little bitch before I turn you into a walrus!**

"Wait a minute, what am I even doing here?" Luke asked himself.

 **I want to see an R-rated theatrically released film of 'Mr. Krabs Unquenchable Bloodlust'. Anyone else want to?**

"I'm not paying money for an 8 minute movie!" protested Mr. Krabs.

 **Misty) Is it possible for the characters in this story to appear in Scumbag Court? The title is Scumbag Court, which means no restrictions on characters, just as long as they're a scumbag.**

 _ **I don't see why not.**_

 **SpongeBob) Do you watch porn?**

"What's porn?" asked Spongebob.

"What I showed you yesterday," said Patrick nudging his friend.

"Ooooooh! You mean those pictures of Sandy!" he made a face. "I don't think I like porn."

"WHAT?!" She grabbed Patrick by his underwear and yanked them up. "Give them here, you perverted slimeball!"

 **SpongeBob Jerkoffpants, eh? I like it.**

 _ **Sounds like a porno.**_

 **Sandy) Can you make an invention that uses energy to create a real life lightsaber?**

"Sure can," said Sandy grinning. "The colors are the tricky part."

 **Misty) Will there be a crossover between this and TWD? I hope so. I think that would be hilarious!**

 ** _Sure._**

 **Squidward) You have one fancy muthafucking vocabulary of words! Where's the book that you learned it from?**

"Why thank you," He said sticking out his chest. "And I attribute it to my vast collection of art books, classic fiction, and the fact that I'm an intellectual being."

"He has a 'word a day' collection that he skips ahead in," said Patrick.

 **Sandy: How was that picnic? (Read 'the one night stand picnic' )**

Sandy: **O_O** What the heck did I just read? Spongebob and I haven't ever done that!

 **Krabs: Why is there a Crusty crab at the bottom of Bikini bottom?  
**

He scratched his head. "I dunno. Why?"

 **Squidward: when was the last time you got laid?  
**

"'That's none of your business!"

"Don't mind him," said Patrick. "His penis has cobwebs hanging off of it and the only thing he can shoot is air."

Everyone else: O_O

"WTF Patrick," said Pearl breaking the silence.


	4. Chapter 4

**Who here thinks Mr. Krabs is a bastard and should go to court?**  
 ***Everyone raises their hands.***

"This is mutiny!" said Krabs.

"It's not mutiny. It's called you deserved to be locked up!" said Squidward.

"On what grounds!?"

"I'm glad you asked," smirked Squidward. He pulled out a list that was around 12 feet long. "Ahem. Multiple accounts of worker's rights violations, creation of counterfeit money, the selling of employees, driving someone to almost committing suicide, food poisoning customers, stole multiple items some of which can be found at the Krusty Krab, holding customers hostage...need I go on?"

"LIES!"

"Need I bring out the witnesses?" asked Squidward raising a brow.

"I hate you."

 **Sandy: Thats not what Sb said**

"Well it must have been a clone or somethin'," said the squirrel trying to shake off what she had just read.

 **Krabs reply to: Why is there a CRUSTY CRAB at the Bottom of BIKINI Bottom... guess you're too old to catch a joke..**

"Old?!" That was Mr. Krab's ultimate trigger word. "I ain't old! I AIN'T OLD!" Pearl got a bucket and splashed her father with a bucket of water. "Thank you, Pearl. I needed that."

 **Squidward: bet its was w squillum.. anyone ever wonder why they hate eachother? appartely one was better and bigger than the other ;)**

"He is not bigger!" said Squidward.

"Whatever helps you sleep at night," smirked Squillum.

 **Spongebob: Do you masturbate?**

"Masturbate?" asked Spongebob looking confused. "What's that?"

 **btw Spongebob dose watch porn.. that thing he was watching on his T.V was sponge porn... DONT HIDE IT SPONGE! WE KNOW THE TRUTH!**

"I-I wasn't w-watching porn! I-I swear!" He stammered.

"Then what were you watching? HM!? said Patrick.

"I uh um uh!" He turned red. "Okay fine. I was watching a music video."

"I always knew you were a faggot," said Patrick. "I just didn't know you were that big of a faggot."

 **Plankton: Do you watch porn on Karens screen? or r u old fashioned and use crusty magazines.. n what kind? computer porn?**

"What kind of fun would watching that kind of porn would be?" asked Plankton. "And do you think I'm stupid? Why the hell would make you think Karen would let me? Okay I admit I have tried once, but she has some kind of program installed that shows footage of different drinks being spilled every time I look tried to look at porn. And no I don't watch computer porn."

"And what do you watch, Plankton?" asked a clearly jealous Karen.

"Well you ain't giving me any," said Plankton not caring about what his wife thought. "I may pretend whoever's in the current playboy magazine is."

"When I find those magazines, I'm burning them and shoving the ashes down your throat!"

 **Who here has the smallest dick?**

"Squidward," said Patrick and Squilliam.

 **Krabs) What would you do if someone tried to score with your daughter?**

"They're dying!" said Krabs.

"Daddy!" said an embarrassed Pearl.

 **Mrs. Puff) Sure, you have a right to want him dead, but that doesn't mean you have to kill the little bastard! Also, I'm not saying that I sympathize with SpongeBob either. He certainly caused the problem and didn't help to fix it, but killing doesn't solve the answer!**

"Oh yes it does!" she said with a psychotic smile. "I'll never have to deal with the little bastard ever again!"

 **SpongeBob) Patrick eating patties out of the garbage is nothing. In Little Yellow Book, he suggested that he would eat an old diaper with ketchup on it.**

"You did what?!" Spongebob looked horrified. "We let each other take sips of each others stuff and taste each other's food and you eat...I think I'm going to throw up!"

"I surprised you haven't gotten sicker sooner," said Sandy wincing at the thought. She was glad she never ate after anyone especially Patrick.

 **Squidward's an octopus? Huh. I never knew that. Thanks for telling me! I guess you learn something new every day.**

 ** _It's easy to mistake him for being one especially given his name and leg count._**

 **Well, now I know where Krabs gets the meat for his krabby patties: the Bikini Bottom Black Market.**

"Wait a minute, so that means," Pearl's eyes widened in realization. "Oh god. Daddy you didn't!"

"It's cheap and you seem to like it," said Krabs. "It's not like it'll kill you."

"I'm surprised Child Services hadn't taken me away a long time ago," she said narrowing her eyes at her father.

 **Patrick) When was the last time YOU had sex?**

"Let's see. Sometime last week and guess who it was?" He said nudging Spongebob.

"Um," He tried thinking of who it was. "I dunno. Who?"

"Your mom," He smirked.

"Very funny, Patrick," He laughed.

"I'm serious," said Patrick with a straight face. "Your dad was in the next room while my nuts were hitting her chin. I got pics if you wanna see them."

"Yeah right. Like my mom would..." He screamed when he saw the pictures. "Patrick, that's nasty!"

"Your mom didn't seem to care."

"If you weren't so big, I'd kick your behind!"

"Your mom is a grown woman. She made the choice to suck my..."

"Care to finish that, sonny?" growled Mr. Squarepants who was ready to kick the starfish's ass.

"...BIG FAT CO..." Patrick didn't get to finish as a fight ensued ending in Spongebob's dad kicking the man's ass.

 **Squidward) Who do you hate more: SpongeBob, or Patrick?**

"That's kind of hard," he said feeling conflicted. "If I had to, it'd be Patrick."

 **Has anyone here read 'SpongeBob: The NEW Series'? Or 'Soul Juices'?**

"That second one sounds delicious!" said Patrick.

 **Here. Read both of those Fanfics.**

"If only the Krusty Krab was like that," sighed Patrick. "I could get my dick sucked and eat."

"A fatass's dream," smirked Squidward.

"Oh wow," Spongebob said blushing as he finished reading "Soul Juices."

"Who the hell wrote this?!" said The Flying Dutchman looking insulted.

 **Krabs) Who said it has to be eight minutes? We could extend it to an hour, show more violence, give it more of a budget. Then, if we released it to theaters, it would be so widely anticipated, everyone would pay money for a ticket to see it! Also, I could be the director, and I'd pay all of my actors and composers and producers for their work!**

"I'd better be getting some royalties for this!" said Mr. Krabs.

 **Then again, making a film of MKUB could have the 'Batman: The Killing Joke' effect, in that, if we extended it to 45 minutes, we'd be criticized for too much bullshit padding.**

"No, go on and make it so I can have me money!" said Mr. Krabs.

 **Krabs) True, women do love a man in uniform. I mean, that explains why ever person saved by a superhero wants to get a good look at said superhero's junk.**

"Really?" Patrick and Squidward then glanced over at Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy.

"Pretty sure it was in their youth," concluded Squidward.

 **Hey, guys! I have a way to look inside Patrick's mind! Check it out!**  
 ***Teleports all of the people there into Patrick's mind. It's mostly a big, white room with one exception: Patrick getting tweaked on by a princess from England. Everyone is visibly shocked.***  
 **Patrick: Oh, hey everyone! Who wants to see my bang my balls against her backdoor?**

"NO!" shouted everyone.

 **Who would you guys rather date: Lee Everett, or Squidward?**

"Squidward's pretty ugly already," said Pearl. "You can't get any uglier than that, so I'd have to choose Lee whoever it is."

 **You're right! SpongeBob Jerkoffpants sounds like something you'd find in the Deep Web, or Rule 34.**

 ** _For sure. I wouldn't be surprised if there was a porno called that with Spongebob fucking everyone. EVERYONE. *shudders*_**

 **Patrick) Have you ever considered being a wrestler? I think you'd be pretty good at it.**

"Sometimes, but Squidward won't let me practice on him," he pouted.

"Why the hell should I?!" asked Squidward. "Use a practice dummy or ask that oaf of a sister to train you."

"How about you train yourself to not have such a big nose!"

 **Misty) What's your favorite fanfic that you've worked on?**

 _ **The Difference Between Darkness and Black though I did enjoy**_ _ **Harry Potter and the Weird Guy's eternity stone too.**_

 **Whoa, Pearl! I had no idea you were here.**

Pearl: I had to be. It's a job where I get to just talk, say what I want, and I get paid!

 **My favorite SpongeBob game is Battle For Bikini Bottom. It's one of the first game I ever played, and it still holds up really well. It's probably the Super Mario 64 or the Batman: Arkham City of SpongeBob games.**

 _ **Battle for Bikini Bottom is one of the most popular of Spongebob game titles and I'm fond of it myself as well as the 1st movie's game.**_

 **to mr krabs can I have two krabby patties I'll give you fifty bucks for them!**

"Deal!" Mr. Krab's eyes had lit up at the prospect of getting much more for a Krabby Patty than usual.

 **to the sea bear why do you hate squidward so much also spongebob called you a loser!**

Sea Bear: *growling noises* (Translation: He was asking for it. Did you see the way he was prancing around like a fool? And I'll deal with the sponge later.)


	5. Chapter 5

**Let's turn the Krusty Krab into the strip club we see it as in that one fanfic!**

"Like my dad would..." Pearl was about to say was among the lines of that her father may be a cheap bastard, but he wouldn't stoop as low as to turn his restaurant into such a dirty place. Her father proved her wrong by his eyes turning into money signs.

"Strip club it is!" He said with a grin.

"Daddy!" said Pearl in horror.

 **Flying Dutchman) Have you ever done any of the stuff that happened in Soul Juices?**

"Heck no!" He said disgusted.

 **Patrick and Squilliam) How would you know that Squidward's dick is the smallest. The only way to know that is to either see it, suck it, or take it up the ass.**

"I don't need to see it to know," said Squilliam. "I'm already better than him and if he did have a big one, he'd have bragged about it and I still would have had him beat."

"I have cameras in his bathroom," said Patrick.

"YOU GOT WHAT?!" Squidward going pale.

 **Patrick and Squilliam) Leave Squidward alone! How would you assholes feel if I shoved a knife up your taints? At the same time?!**

Patrick: Bring it!

 **I have footage of Squilliam getting it on with Patrick! Who wants to see?**  
 **SpongeBob, Squidward, and Plankton: Me!**  
 **Mr. Krabs: WHAT THE FUCK?!**

Patrick: That's not real!

Sandy: Why on earth do you want to see that?

"To blackmail him with," Both Squidward and Spongebob said in unison though referring to different people.

 **Patrick) How much porn do you keep in your basement?**

"You won't know," smirked the starfish. "But if I had to, let's just say enough to keep me entertained for the rest of my life."

 **All right, everyone! I've decided that, if we are to make a MKUB movie, all of you are going to star in it! Also, Mr. Krabs, you're going to be the producer, alongside Plankton, and Squidward, you're going to be the composer for the film's score. Everyone else, including the aforementioned producers and composer will get a role in the film!**

"Uh I don't think so," said Spongebob. "Sounds scary."

 **Krabs) As your name implies, I think you may just have Pubic Lice.**

"How do you know?!"

"Ew!" Pearl made a face.

 **SpongeBob) Would you rather do a big-assed blonde, or Sandy?**

"Neither really," confessed Spongebob.

 **Plankton) You watch porn? And masturbate? With that thing on your body that you call a dick? It's more like a micropenis!**

"I don't watch porn," said Plankton. "This bitch won't let me."

"Care to repeat that?" Karen said holding a hammer.

"Uuuuuuh...anyways, of course I do! And I'm going to ignore that."

 **No, Squidward, those two old heroes still get pussy! In fact, I got pictures of them going down on a Victoria's Secret Model from France. Wanna see?**

"NO!" yelled Squidward.

 ***Guest hands Sandy a syringe.***  
 **Here. In this syringe is the power to restart the chapter. Inject it into anyone, -!: they will have the power.**  
 **Kenny: Oh no! Squirrel Girl, if you don't want all Hell to break loose, then don't take that syringe, or inject it into anyone! Trust me. I know what that stuff does to people!**  
 **Patrick: Who are you?**  
 **Yeah, Kenny. What are you doing here?**

"Easy. Getting in work," said Kenny. "You get paid for cameos. Anyways, I'll be taking that."

Kenny snatched the syringe out of her hand and took off running.

 **Sea Bear) To be fair, Squidward didn't believe you were real.**

Sea Bear: That doesn't mean shit. Some people don't believe panda bears are dangerous, but look at the bastards that got fucked up.

Squidward) You might just be the most important character in the series. I mean, without you, the show would have no straightman to all of the insanity.

"I thought I was the straightman," said Sandy.

"We barely even see you," said Patrick. "Squidward may be crazy and an asshole, but he's around unlike you.

 **Misty) Name one character that you think the show should get rid of?**

I dunno. I can't think of anyone besides Mrs. Puff and I know they wouldn't since part of giving Mr. Hillenburg the show was that Spongebob was required to go to some kind of school. Ignoring that, Mrs. Puff.

 **Misty) How often are you gonna update this?**

I'll try to everyday.

What's the better SpongeBob Christmas special: Christmas Who, or It's A SpongeBob Christmas? My vote is for Christmas Who. I think it's just a more memorable, funny episode. Not that I don't like the other episode, though! ;-)

 _ **I liked both, but I felt that the second one was better.**_

 **I've never played the movie game, but I've wanted to for a long time.**

You should. It's pretty fun.

 **Sponge) Masturbation is when you pleasure yourself by placing your hand on your penis and tugging at it. How do you not know this? Aren't you, like, 30 years old? Didn't you go to health class?**

Spongebob: I don't remember a Health Class. And oh. Why would anybody do that? Sounds unsanitary.

 **Sandy: We All know that you're the one who created the Spongebob clones.. seen in that overbooked episode.. seems that u had an extra sponge ;)**

Sandy: Lies! 


	6. Chapter 6

**Squidward) Here. Take this gun and shoot anybody you want to die.**

Before Squidward could even consider doing anything with it (not that he **_was_ ** going to do anything), the two fish cops came outta nowhere and beat him with their police batons! "'That'll fix ya!" said the female cop.

"But he didn't even do anything," said Spongebob who should logically be glad as Squidward hates him and was probably going to use it on him. But he wasn't of course because he hasn't gotten that far.

"Doesn't matter," said the male cop. "He's got a gun and we can't take any chances!"

 **Misty) Who is your favorite SpongeBob character?**

Spongebob and Sandy would be the second person.

 **SpongeBob) Why did you call Patrick 'Wideload'? I didn't know you could be so cruel!**

"Because he's being a jerk!" said Spongebob.

 **Sandy: Watch the end of the episode.. there are three Spongebob's, and one of them was for you, hmm.. which explains why you wanted the dude naked...**

"Get your mind outta the gutter!" said Sandy. "I put clothes on him."

"And then what?" asked Patrick. "I've never seen him again."

"That's because the clones turned out to be defective."

"Defective? How so?" asked Spongebob.

"To make it simple and short, ice tea melts them," said Sandy.

 **Spongebob: did you enjoy it as much as you said you did? and did you do it again?**

"Uh what?" said a confused Spongebob.

 **Spongebob: Do you remember that time Sandy was in heat and you came for a visit?**  
 **Heres something to refresh your memory**

"You mean she had a fever?" he said even more confused than before.

 **Sandy) Here. Kenny only took a syringe with orange juice in it. This one's the real one.**  
 ***Hands her the syringe.***

"Hm...sounds dangerous," said Sandy studying the syringe. "I'll look more into this just in case."

 **SpongeBob) Plenty of people masturbate. Patrick, Squidward, Mr. Krabs, even Sandy!**

"I didn't need to know that," Spongebob wincing at that image.

 **Patrick) Sandy's pretty prominent in the series, just not as much as SpongeBob, you, Squidward, or Mr. Krabs.**

"Sure, whatever you say," said Patrick.

 **Pearl) Here. Take this picture of Lee Everett and tell me if you do or don't think he's handsome.**

"The hell is this?" said Pearl. "Ugh! Who the hell wants to get with a human?"

 **Merry Christmas, assholes! I got each of you a present!**  
 **SpongeBob) A spatula combined with a jellyfishing net, as well as your own boat that I like to call: the SpongeMobile.**

"Best Christmas EVER!" grinned Spongebob as he hugged his car uh boat.

"It would be if you had a license," said Mrs. Puff.

"Oh," Spongebob pouted. "Darn it!"

 **Patrick) Grade-A porn, and a couple of rare roast beef patties.**

"WOOOOOOO!" said Patrick. "Wait, how the heck am I going to eat them? Spongebob?"

"Sure buddy," said Spongebob who was both eager to do something for his friend and cook.

 **Squidward) A new clarinet, and a tea set.**

"Better than what Spongebob got me," said Squidward a sweater with a kitten on it.

"I think it looks cute on you!" smiled Spongebob. "Besides the other ones weren't big enough for your head."

 **Mr. Krabs) A pony carrying bags of money, as well as a gingerbread house made of money.**

"Just what I wanted but that cheap old elf wouldn't get me!" Mr. Krabs then jumped on the back of the pony. "

 **Sandy) A double-bladed lightsaber and chemistry set.**

Sandy: Yes!

 **Plankton) A copy of the Krabby Patty formula, and a Pacific Rim-esque mech suit.**

Plankton quickly took off with the formula. "I was going to wait for the burger to finish processing, but to heck with it!"

"Get back here you little booger!" He chased after him on his pony.

 **Karen) Two tickets for a cruise, as well as condoms for when you want to get romantic with your husband.**

Karen stared at the condoms. "Um what am I going to do with this? I'm a computer screen, genuis."

 _ **And that's why I got you this for Christmas! Introducing your new body! I present to you an android body you model and gimme that. *tosses away the condoms* You won't need those.**_

 **Pearl) A new pair of high-heeled boots, and the latest album of Boys That Cry.**

"Yes!" said Pearl. "I can't wait to brag to all my isn't even out yet! WAY better than what my dad got me."

"Batteries are a great gift!" said Krabs offended.

"First off, no they aren't. Second, even if they were, they were already used!"

 **Larry) A new weight-lifting set, as well as the deed to your own protein-shake bar on Goo Lagoon.**

"Alright!" Larry pumped his fist.

 **Mrs. Puff) A Walther PPKS 9-mm short, and a supply of dummies of SpongeBob for you to practice on.**

"GET HER!" The cops were on Puff in a second.

 **MermaidMan and BarnacleBoy) A certificate for free Hustler Magazines, as well as pictures of nude models.**

"Alright!" said Barnacle Boy.

 **Well, that's everyone! I wish you a merry Christmas, and a happy New Year, you lovable Scumbags!**

 ***Suddenly, a bunch of gunmen burst into the room. They all yell at the Scumbags and tell them to get into a line on the floor, and to kneel while on the floor. Then, Negan comes into the room.***  
 **Negan: Hi, Misty. You thought you saw the last of me? Nope. I'm still around. And, oh, sweet goat hukie am I pissed for being turned into a gorilla.**  
 **Squidward: Um... who the hell are you again?**  
 **Negan: Oh! Where are my manners? Hi, I'm Negan. And your friend Misty over here screwed me over. So, from now on (or, at least until the next time the show airs), and because I don't wanna kill any of you fine folks, I'm gonna be a special guest star. And if you irritate or piss me off, my men will take care of you!**  
 **Patrick: What? Sorry, I was thinking about eating a Krabby Patty ladie's pussy.**  
 **Negan: And, you're already failing! Gentleman, take fat boy over here and beat the shit out of him.**

The gunmen began beating the shit out Patrick when Squidward runs over yelling, "WAIT!"

They looked at him. Squidward took out a baseball bat. "Allow me!" He began hitting Patrick with the bat and the others joined in.

 **Negan) Why do you have to torment SpongeBob and his friends? Wasn't killing Glenn enough? Also, Misty didn't turn you into a gorilla! One of the reviewers did! If anything, you should blame them!**

Negan: Of course. It's too fucking easy. And I don't give a shit. Someone has to pay for allowing it.

 _ **Get the hell out of here. Who the hell even are you?**_

 **What does everyone think of Negan?**

"He's an asshole!" said Patrick in a wheel chair and his limbs in casts.

 **Merry Christmas, Misty! I hope you have a good one!**

 _ **Merry Christmas**_

 **What's everyone gonna do for Christmas? Also, Misty, since there hasn't been any word from the original Scumbags, and you said there was a possibility of a crossover, it seems like now is the perfect time. What do you say?**  
 **Clementine: Come on, Misty! You haven't updated in, like, weeks!**  
 **Jason: Yeah, come on! We could use some time in the spotlight!**  
 **All of the Scumbags: CROSSOVER! CROSSOVER! CROSSOVER!**

Spongebob: Family stuff of course!

Patrick: Being with the family.

Squidward: Spending it Spongebob free after this.

Krabs: Keeping this fucker in a jar. _*holds up pickle jar with Plankton in it*_

 _ **NO. Especially not you, Jason.**_

 _ **Jason: The hell did I do?**_

 _ **You don't exist.**_

 _ **Jason: Oh right.**_ _*disappears*_

 _*Suddenly, a chastity belt appears around Patrick's waist.*_

 **Until you go on a diet, and stop insulting Squidward, you shall wear this chastity belt!**

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" he cried to the sky.

 **SpongeBob) How do you not know what Health Class is? It's a primary class! Well, at least at my school.**

"Never had it," he shrugged.

 **Mr. Krabs) How do I know that you have Pubic Lice? Well, the name pretty much says it all. That, and I saw Patrick and Squilliam watching one of your pornos.**

"Por...DAD!" screeched Pearl angry. If anybody at school found out, her social life was over! "Did you even think how it would effect me, you bastard!"

"Don't curse at me, young lady! How dare you..."

"HOW DARE YOU SHOOT A PORNO!" She slapped him and burst out crying as she stormed off. "YOU'RE SO SELFISH!"

"Now she's flooded the room. Thanks, Mr. Porn Star!" said Squidward with his hands on his hips.

"At least I was successful!" argued Krabs. "Yeah I know about your porno you sent in. I'm the one who rejected it!"

 **Misty) Sorry that I asked for a crossover. I just really would think it'd be cool to see. Also, the whole thing with the TWD characters was mostly a joke.**

I see.

 **Junior: Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.**  
 **SpongeBob and Patrick: JUNIOR?**  
 **SpongeBob: I thought you were dead!**  
 **Junior: Nope. I just wanted to come up for the holidays, and introduce you to my wife and kids.**  
 ***Then, three other clams, one who's a woman with brown hair, and the other two being a little boy and little girl, both with red hair, walk in.***  
 **Junior: Mom, Dad, this is my wife Marcia, and my two children, Brian and Nia.**

Patrick opened his mouth but Spongebob stopped him. "Don't even try, Pat. Don't even."

 **Junior) Did you know that SpongeBob killed a bunch of clams?**

Junoir: You did WHAT?!

Spongebob: They were trying to get my sandwich!

Junior: I thought you were the best parent ever, but you're just as bad as dad! No, you're worse!

 **Who here is the most likely to go to prison.**

Everyone: Krabs.

Krabs: Me?!

Squidward: Ahem! Stalking, borderline child neglect, attempting to starve employees...

Krabs: Shut up, Squidward.

 **Negan) Here. I got you a present.**  
 _*Guest hands him a box. Negan takes it and opens it. Inside is his dead wife's head.*_

Negan: What the...!

 _*Turns Negan into a Himalayan cat.*_

 **Who here wants to take Negan's ass to court?**

"Can't really take a cat to court," said Karen.

 **Krabs) How many pornos did you make while in the army?**

Krabs: About 2.

 **SpongeBob) Masturbation is only unsanitary if you don't wash your hands afterward.**

Spongebob: I'm learning so much aren't I?

Patrick: Was that sarcasm?

Spongebob: Maybe.


	7. Chapter 7

_*Squilliam takes a cup of coffee with half-and-half in it from Squidward, and drinks it. Suddenly, two police officers bust in.*_  
 **Cop 1: FREEZE!**  
 **Cop 2: VEGAN POLICE!**  
 ***The two cops go over to Misty.***  
 **Cop 1: We're looking for Sqilliam Fancyson.**  
 **Cop 2: He's under arrest for Vegany violation.**  
 **Both Cops: Does anyone know where or who Squilliam Fancyson is?**  
 ** _*Everyone points at Squilliam.*_**  
 **Squilliam: Oh, fuck you! All of you! And besides, I didn't violate my Code of Vegan Honor! Besides, even if I did, don't I get three strikes?**  
 **Cop 1: Well, yesterday, you knowingly ingested gelato.**  
 **Cop 2: And the day before, you consumed chicken.**  
 **Squilliam: Wait a minute. Gelato and chicken aren't Vegan?**  
 **Cop 1: Chicken is Vegan, brotherfucker!**  
 **Cop 2: And gelato is milk and eggs, bitch.**  
 **Both Cops: For those reasons, YOU ARE UNDER ARREST!**  
 **Squilliam: What?!**  
 **Squidward: Ha! Take that, cunt-breath!**

Squilliam kicks and protests as he was being dragged away to jail.

 **Misty) Thank you for understanding!**

 ** _You're welcome...for whatever it is. I honestly don't know what I'm saying "You're welcome" for. Everyone seems to be using "Mr. Enter" for some reason._**

 **Junior) Trust me. What SpongeBob did to those clams was nothing. There is a hell of a long list involving the atrocities he committed.**

Junior: I honestly don't care! He's a murderer!

 **Guest: Squidward, I have to punish you for joining in beating up Patprick.**  
 **Squidward (nervously): Uh, how?**  
 **Guest: By doing it again! This time, while I record it!**

"With pleasure," Squidward grinned eagerly.

Misty) Wait a minute. What do you mean Jason doesn't exist?

 ** _That's not canon! It was a one time thing. I didn't like that "twist" honestly._**

 **Karen) How do you like your new body?**

"I haven't transferred into it yet, but I like how it's come out so far," said Karen.

 _ **Can we see it?**_

"It should be done next chapter," said Karen.

 **Sandy) I already looked into the thing. It's the same as it was in the other one. Also, we need a volunteer to test this stuff out!**  
 _*Sandy then sees Patrick, looking stupid as usual. She then runs over to him, flips him over, pulls down his shorts, and injects the syringe into his left ass cheek._

"OW!" Patrick rubbed his butt. "That hurt!"

 **SpongeBob) You should be learning this shit.**

"I'm good, thanks," he shrugged.

 **Sandy: Sorry for sticking a needle in your ass, Patrick.  
Patrick: Why did you put a needle in my ass, Sandy?  
Sandy: Because, in that needle, is the ability to restart the chapter.  
Guest: And, we needed a test monkey. Also, we need to know if it works.  
Patrick: Well, how do we know if-  
*Patrick is then shot in the head by Mrs. Puff. He wakes up at the beginning of the chapter.*  
Sandy: Sorry for-  
*Patrick grabs Sandy and starts shaking her.*  
Patrick: GET THIS STUFF OUT OF ME!**

Sandy: What are you talking about?

Patrick desperately tried telling her about the whole restart thing, but she didn't believe him.

Sandy: I think you've been drinking too much.

 **Patrick) How do you feel about your new powers?**

"WHOEVER DID IT IS A MONSTER!" Patrick then went back to sobbing.

 **Squidward) How do you feel about Squilliam getting caught by the Vegan Police?**

Squidward: Like I'm dreaming. OW! Did I ask you to pinch me?!

Spongebob: Well it's what people usually do when they think they're dreaming.

Sandy) In case you haven't noticed, everyone's mind is in the gutter!

Sandy:...

 **Guest: SpongeBob, I found out that you once did pass your boating test, and Mrs. Puff knew, but she refused to give you a boating license!  
SpongeBob: Mrs. Puff! How could you?  
Puff: Can you blame me? I don't want that little shit out on the road! And I sure as Hell won't give him a license!  
Guest: You have to.  
Puff: WHAT?! WHY?  
Guest: Because it's the law.  
Puff: And what happens if I break it?  
Guest: Then you'll be arrested.  
Puff: Fine. Here's your fucking license.  
SpongeBob: License?! THIS IS THE GREATEST DAY OF MY LIFE!**

"Look out world! HERE I COME!" Spongebob hopped into the car. 15 were injured, 31 killed, and 54 in a coma.

"See what I meant?" said .

 **SpongeBob) Since when are you so sarcastic?**

Spongebob: I think Squidward's rubbing off on me.

 **Patrick) Do you hate Squidward even more after he beat you with a baseball bat?**

"I hate him and I will get my revenge!" He said shaking a fist into the air. "I promise!"


End file.
